


Rebirth

by estriel



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21937633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estriel/pseuds/estriel
Summary: Everyone is watching him. Like sharks, they follow his every move, smelling blood, smelling weakness, smelling the wound he’s taken today. Like vultures waiting for the prey to finally drop down. They are so many – and he suddenly feels so, so alone.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 12
Kudos: 83





	Rebirth

**Author's Note:**

> I watched this short clip of Yuzuru as he gets interviewed right after his free skate at Japan Nationals 2019, then walks away and disappears into a men's room... It was so heartbreaking to watch and so I felt I needed to attach fluff. It is extremely cheesy, but I needed this. 
> 
> Soundtrack: [Juan Sánchez - Rebirth](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g7-buoCNaw).

Everyone is watching him. Usually, Yuzu thrives on attention – on the ice, anyway. But this is neither on the ice, nor is today _usual _in any way.

He keeps his head bowed as he walks, answers the questions briefly, curtly, fighting to hold back tears, until finally the interviewer gets it and stops. He thanks her and walks away, rounds the corner. The eyes never leave. Everyone is watching him. He doesn’t see anything but his own feet, still in his skating boots, but he feels their eyes. Like sharks, they follow his every move, smelling blood, smelling weakness, smelling the wound he’s taken today. Like vultures waiting for the prey to finally drop down. They are so many – and he suddenly feels so, so alone.

He won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing him falter, though. He ducks into the men’s room, strides directly into a stall, locks the door, and sits down onto the closed lid of the toilet, Pooh-san on his knees.

His vision is blurry and his lungs burn, his legs burn, but at least both are still there, still working. He almost thought they weren’t, earlier, while he was skating, feeling as unsteady as if the ground was quaking under him again. He leans back against the wall behind him, the tile cool through the layers of costume and jacket.

The tears come, rolling down his face, fat, ugly things, and Yuzu bites his lip to keep the sobs that want to rip out of his throat inside. He failed. He is weak, he is old, he is pathetic. Maybe this is the end, maybe this should be the end, maybe –

His phone rings. He feels it buzz inside his pocket and he doesn’t want to pick up, but there aren’t many people who have this number, and even less people who would dare call him now. It could be important.

It is important. It is Javi.

Yuzu stares at the screen for a moment, at the silly photo of Javi that he has saved with Javi’s contact, and wonders if he should pick up. He is afraid that if he does, he might fall apart. He is sure that if he doesn’t, he definitely will.

“Javi,” he breathes into the phone after pressing the green button.

“Yuzu,” comes Javi’s voice, and Yuzu hugs Pooh closer, wishing that this was real, that Javi was there, like he had been all these years, an unwavering pillar of support, always there to catch Yuzu when he was about to fall. “Can you talk?” Javi asks and Yuzu shakes his head, then realizes Javi can’t see him.

  
“No,” he says, quiet. He can’t. Anyone could walk in. Yuzu doesn’t want anyone to hear the things he wants to say. Like _I’m such a failure_, and _I wish you were here_, and _I miss you so much_. _I can’t do it without you._

“I see,” says Javi. “Just listen, okay? Just listen to me, Yuzu,” he continues and Yuzu nods again, then remembers to make a sound so Javi knows he understood.

“I watched you skate,” Javi then begins and Yuzu immediately wishes he _could_ speak, that he could apologize for his poor performance, tell Javi that it was not worth watching. “I found a stupid Chinese stream on the internet, Yuzu, just to watch you skate, and I spilled my coffee all over my desk because I was so nervous and distracted,” Javi laughs a little, and Yuzu cannot help but chuckle along with him. Then Javi goes on, speaking fast, his accent coming through more than usual. “I watched you, and you fought till the last moment, and I am so proud of you, and don’t you fucking dare to argue with me now, Yuzuru Hanyu!”

Yuzu shuts his mouth, because indeed he had been about to argue, and how does Javi still know him so well?!

“You are strong, and you will overcome this, and you will come back even better, I know it, and you know it, and this doesn’t even matter.”

Yuzu sobs then, the sound echoing through the blessedly empty restroom.

“Damn, Yuzu,” Javi says, his voice going infinitely gentle where it was firm just moments before. “I wish I could be there to tell you in person, and hug you,” he adds, and Yuzu is nodding, tears streaming down his face. “Just breathe, okay?”

“Okay,” Yuzu says, and breathes. It’s harder than it should be but he can do that. “Is so hard, Javi,” he adds, and feels both intense relief at saying it out loud, and hot shame at whining like this.

  
“I know,” Javi says. “But you are harder, tougher.”

“Not anymore. Not when you aren’t with me,” Yuzu whispers, holding Pooh to his chest and once again wishing he could hold on to Javi instead.

  
“I am always with you, Yuzu,” Javi says, and it feels like a caress, the way his voice is soft around the edges. “Always.”

Yuzu draws another labored breath, exhales, and for a brief moment, he is warm, he is safe, he is relieved. Javi has his back.

  
“Yuzu?”

“Hm?”

“I have another thing to tell you,” Javi says, and his voice quivers a little. Yuzu hears him swallow. “I probably shouldn’t do it like this. Maybe it’s a bad idea, over the phone and – “

“Not fair,” Yuzu mutters, and for some reason his heart is frantic inside his chest, and it doesn’t have anything to do with exertion, Javi’s sudden nervousness spilling over. “You already bring it up.”

Javi laughs, small and audibly anxious. “Yeah, okay, you’re right.” He pauses. “I just want you to know… That you are – You’re – you are loved,” Javi says, stumbling over his words. Yuzu hears an inhale, a measured exhale. “I love you.”

Yuzu blinks. New tears spill, dropping onto Pooh-san’s head. This time, they are something else. This time, they are… something pure. Fresh. A beginning, instead of an end.

“Yuzu?”

Javi sounds equal parts terrified and hopeful, and Yuzu realizes he has been silent for way too long, just sitting there, smiling through his tears, leaving Javi hanging.

“Javi is so stupid,” he mumbles, and laughs at the surprised intake of breath at the other end of the line. “You tell me this while I sit in toilet crying, and you are at the other end of world, and I can’t do anything.”

  
“I’m so- “

“Next time I see you, you say again, so I can say back, and kiss you,” Yuzu says, and he doesn’t even care that anyone could hear.

He still has a press conference to attend, and he is still so exhausted he could fall onto his face right here, fall asleep, and not get up until three days later. But there is a flicker of brightness in the dark – his compass, his guiding light, his own private star… And the best thing about it is the fact that this is a light that will never go out. A gold he can never lose.

“I love you, too,” Yuzu says, and stands up to go face the world. And this time, he knows he is not facing it alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <3 And to end with the words of my favorite boy: Happy Merry Christmas!


End file.
